Two Critical Keys to Rebel Fawn Success

Lisa Loree - The Rebel Ballerina  (Image:  Dena Meeder Photography)

 

I didn't recognize my fawn response pattern until after my marriage ended. By then, I had lost pretty much everything.

Reading Pete Walker's book, "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving," I discovered he had coined a term that described my entire life pattern. The fawn response...people-pleasing to survive.

Sound familiar?

As a single mom, I spent years trapped in this pattern. Saying yes when I meant no. Putting everyone else first. Feeling resentful but unable to stop.

What I didn't realize was how this pattern was affecting my children, my finances, and my sense of self.

Today, I'm living what I call the "Fun Hot-Bitch Mom Life." There's more joy in my life now than I've probably ever experienced.

This transformation didn't happen overnight. It came through understanding the neuroscience of gratitude and joy - and how these practices can literally rewire a fawn's brain.

Breaking the Fawn Response Cycle

The fawn response typically develops in childhood. It's a survival mechanism where we learn that our safety depends on pleasing others.

For single moms, this pattern intensifies. We're trying to be everything to everyone. Perfect mother. Provider. Emotional support. All while carrying tremendous guilt.

What's really happening inside our brains?

I call it the K-L-I-E playlist - a caustic collection of messages playing on repeat: "You're not worthy." "You're too dumb." "You're only good when you're doing what (he/she) wants." "Your opinions and ideas are lousy." "You're weak, fat and ugly."  

These messages we tell ourselves can be really harsh, and we probably wouldn't even say them to our worst enemy.  But, we fawns do repeat these ideas with their negative emotions tagging along.  And, we repeat them constantly, to ourselves.  That's the K-L-I-E playlist.

The more we try to please everyone, the louder these messages become.

Regular gratitude practice actually reduces activity in the amygdala - your brain's fear center. This creates a more resilient brain capable of setting boundaries without fear of rejection. (https://www.saffronsageliving.com/blog/the-neuroscience-of-gratitude)

Gratitude helps us switch from the K-L-I-E playlist to what I call the K-H-O-T playlist - messages of worth, strength, and capability.

Small Daily Practices That Rewire Your Brain

The first big shift came when I realized I get to create my life.

I had already created the mess I was living in without realizing it. Understanding I could purposefully create the life I actually wanted gave me a sense of power I'd never known before.

That realization alone brings tremendous gratitude.

One simple practice transformed everything. I call it "two minutes."

I stand looking out a window for two minutes with my arms up, thinking or saying things I'm grateful for.

Just two minutes on my cell phone timer.

This simple practice helps transform negative thoughts lurking in your mind. It can be done anywhere, anytime.

These small joy practices bring about a calming effect that, over time, becomes a way of life.

I have one client who starts her day with gentle stretching before getting out of bed. She stretches her legs, pulls them up over her body, and takes deep breaths.

This helps clear the stress from the initial cortisol surge we all get when waking up.

Instead of staying in stress mode all day, this practice tames cortisol and brings it back to normal levels.

You might not feel tremendous relief immediately. But with consistency, these practices become more effective.

Joy and gratitude reset your entire nervous system. Your stress responses - fight, flight, freeze, and fawn - settle down and even turn off.

This clears space for serendipities rather than constant struggle.

Building Your "Edge of Protection"

Boundaries aren't what most single moms think they are.

We've been conditioned to believe boundaries are selfish. That saying "no" makes us bad mothers.

The truth? Being able to set boundaries is a joy, not a source of guilt.

When we can't say no to our kids and give in easily to their demands, resentment builds. Inside we're complaining that our kids aren't doing what they need to do.

Picture this: Your kids aren't picking up their toys, so eventually you do it. While picking them up, you're grumbling inside, feeling resentment toward them...and yourself, because you're not enforcing the boundary you set. And go ahead and throw some guilt on top for good measure!

Gratitude shifts this dynamic.

When you cultivate a gratitude mindset, you don't step into resentment as easily. You find joy in having your kids.

Because you feel joy instead of resentment, setting boundaries becomes easier. You know you're helping them learn where they end and others begin.

I call this growing your "antlers" - your edge of protection.

A single mom first needs to evaluate what she really wants in life. When that vision becomes strong, she'll understand who's helping her become that person and who's holding her back.

As she develops her antlers, she'll see who's really willing to be there for her.

Some people will naturally leave. That's what takers do when they don't like your new energy.

Studies show that single mothers who model gratitude and boundary-setting for their children not only heal themselves but also break intergenerational patterns of people-pleasing. (https://www.singlemothersurvivalguide.com/ten-important-life-skills-for-single-mothers-to-teach-their-children/)

From Isolation to Community

Single moms often feel deeply alone in their struggles.

Gratitude is a self-nurturing practice that changes your energy. It shifts which playlist you're listening to, from K-L-I-E to K-H-O-T.

This is why community is so important for transformation.

Our Rebel Fawn community isn't for all single moms. It's specifically for rebel fawns - people who are recovering from the fawn response.

When you have a group of like-minded people experiencing similar challenges, but who are safe because they're all givers, you can have true community without feeling so vulnerable.

You understand you won't be taken advantage of or manipulated.

This brings even more gratitude because you have a place where you can be yourself. You can be a giver, but you can also learn to be a receiver with safe people.

Research indicates that gratitude practices combined with community support create powerful healing for single mothers with fawn tendencies. (https://supportforsingleparents.org/the-power-of-resilience-stories-from-single-parents-2/)

The Fun Hot-Bitch Mom Revolution

This concept is deeply personal to me because I'm living it.

I've transformed from that people-pleasing fawn into who I want to be - who I was always supposed to be.

That means I had to rebel!

People-pleasing isn't just about doing things for others. It's also how you present yourself.

Most people present themselves rather shabby and dull - less than they could be - out of fear of what others will think.

That's another form of people-pleasing.

I threw all that away.

I said, "I'm going to dress and present myself how I want!" So I'm a hot bitch now, apparently, because I like to dress sexy!

Even if you don't dress sexy, there's a sexy attitude that comes with allowing yourself to be yourself without constant concern about others' opinions.

This rebellion against resentment and martyrdom is liberating.

When you're constantly people-pleasing, you build resentment toward those you're trying to please. You're giving from an empty cup.

Joy and gratitude fill your cup first. Then you can give authentically, without resentment.

Collecting Raindrops of Joy

I didn't know about gratitude practices when my kids were young. I learned about them when my kids were in their late teens.

I use them now with my adult children, and they're incredibly effective.

I liken these little bits of joy and gratitude to collecting raindrops.

This is how I explain it to my ballet students: You work to achieve a little bit better, and finally your body understands. Then you see it in action - there's a raindrop!

We collect these raindrops, and soon you have a bucket full. You notice an actual change you can see and feel.

It's the same with parenting and with becoming the real you. Finding that raindrop moment of something good, especially for overwhelmed single moms.

There's no lack of challenges and struggles. But there is a lack of recognizing good moments and collecting them.

Let these moments become useful in changing how you perceive life. Soon, you'll notice things getting better. More calm.

That calm showers down onto your kids.

I'm experiencing this now with my adult children. We're having so much more joy and fun!

That's another part of gratitude - understanding you're creating a future where you can enjoy more with your kids.

Financial Mindset Shifts Through Gratitude

Gratitude practices elevate energy. The highest energies are love, gratitude, and joy.

The more time you spend in these higher energies, instead of fear, lack, and helplessness, the more you attract similar people and opportunities.

Gratitude helps you stay in higher energy states longer. It can be practiced anywhere, anytime.

From there, opportunities open up more easily. Synchronicities unfold before your eyes.

These include opportunities for financial abundance, meeting great people, and new work possibilities, which build financial confidence.

Gratitude creates an abundance mindset rather than a scarcity mindset.

In our Fun Hot-Bitch Mom Experience, we teach both gratitude practices and practical strategies for creating financial abundance.

The Unexpected Gift of Awareness

The most surprising benefit from gratitude practices is new awareness.

Having gone through struggle and chaos, you know what that's like. But now experiencing gratitude and joy, you see the whole spectrum of what life offers.

You clearly see the contrast in your own life and in others.

You develop an ability to understand the energy people bring to you. This is powerful for a Rebel Fawn because she can now recognize who is safe and who is a taker.

The power of association hugely determines how your life feels.

When surrounded by encouraging people who themselves live in higher energy states, it's easier to maintain that yourself consistently.

This awareness wasn't expected. You just wanted peace and calm, but gratitude and joy practices bring something more profound.

They develop awareness of who you really are, who you want to be, and who everyone around you is.

For single moms recovering from the fawn response, this awareness is freedom.

You're no longer trapped in patterns of people-pleasing that drain your energy and steal your joy.

You're collecting raindrops of gratitude that fill your bucket with true joy.

And from that full bucket, you can nurture yourself, your children, then create and build the life you truly want.