Building Graceful Boundaries for Single Moms

Lisa Loree - The Rebel Ballerina  (Image:  Dena Meeder Portraits )

 

I lost my ballet career because I couldn't say no.

That moment when I chose to acquiesce to my ex-husband's wishes instead of continuing as a ballerina became the defining example of my fawn response pattern. I didn't know it then, but I had been trapped – and worse, I chose to stay in that trap.

My performing career ended right there.

Then came motherhood. Special needs motherhood, specifically. With two children requiring therapies and constant attention, I found myself even deeper in the pattern. I could fight fiercely for my kids, advocating for their every need.

But I never fought for myself.

If you're a single mom who finds herself constantly putting everyone else first, saying yes when you want to say no, or feeling guilty about having your own needs – you might be experiencing what trauma experts call the "fawn" response.

Understanding the Fawn Response

The fawn response, as defined by trauma specialist Pete Walker, is "a response to a threat by becoming more appealing to the threat." It's when you consistently abandon your own needs to serve others, avoiding conflict, criticism, or disapproval at all costs. Fawn response research shows this behavior often develops in childhood as a survival mechanism.

As a professional ballerina, I understood discipline and discomfort. Ballet training requires putting your body in positions that feel unnatural and uncomfortable.

But over time, your body adapts. You get stronger. The uncomfortable becomes comfortable.

The same principle applies to overcoming people-pleasing patterns.

Standing up for yourself feels intensely uncomfortable at first. You question your worth. You worry about rejection. You fear the confrontation.

Both ballet and boundary-setting beg the same question: Is the discomfort worth it?

From Fawn to Rebel Fawn

At Rebel Fawn Mentoring, we help single moms transform from passive pleasers to empowered boundary-setters. This journey begins by helping them design the life they really want.

We encourage thinking beyond the chaotic present into a dream of grand proportions. No limits.

Then comes the critical step: rewiring the mind.

I call this turning off the K-LIE playlist and turning up the K-HOT playlist.

The K-LIE playlist represents the negative self-talk you've been repeating since childhood. These are the caustic messages playing on repeat: "You're not good enough." "You should put others first." "Your needs don't matter."

The K-HOT playlist contains the empowering truths of who you really are.

The transformation involves not just changing the content of these messages but their format. Traditional affirmations using "I" statements often fail because your subconscious pushes back when there's no evidence to support them.

"You" statements work differently. When you tell yourself, "You can do this," your subconscious processes it differently than "I can do this."

This isn't just theory. Neuroplasticity studies confirm that adults can rewire their brains with focused effort. The brain literally transforms with changes in mindset and repeated practice.

Worthiness: The Foundation of Boundaries

The feeling of unworthiness often drives fawning behavior in the first place. It's the root of our inability to stand up for ourselves.

When you change that K-LIE song from "you're not worthy" to the K-HOT playlist's "you are so worthy," something profound happens.

You recognize your intrinsic value simply because you exist.

You have worth. You have something to share. You are important.

This revelation illuminates a crucial truth: your worth is worth protecting.

When someone challenges you, this new understanding allows you to stand firm and say inside, "You're worthy. You don't have to give in because you are worth protecting."

Gates Not Walls: The Boundary Approach

Effective boundaries aren't about shutting everyone out. They're about creating protection that allows safe people in while keeping unsafe ones out.

I call this "growing antlers" – a playful twist on the more common phrase "grow some...balls." Since we're working with fawns, antlers seemed more appropriate!

This protection includes a gate so you can still engage with the world and meet new people. You're not isolating yourself.

But you need strategies to discern who gets through that gate.

One practical tool is the "three gives" rule. If you give to someone three times and they don't reciprocate or show themselves to be a taker, that's a good indicator they aren't a safe person.

Keep them outside your gate.

This approach protects you while honoring your natural giving tendencies.

The Broken Record Technique

In our "Grow Some... Antlers boot camp," we teach specific techniques for standing firm when others push back against your boundaries.

The Broken Record method is particularly effective. It's simple: you say the same thing over and over until the other person gets the message.

This technique helps you remain calm when facing someone who's yelling, pushing back, or gaslighting you.

It can even become almost comical internally. How many times do I have to repeat myself before they get it?

You can turn it into a private game, counting how many repetitions it takes. This mental shift keeps you centered rather than reactive.

The Single Mom Challenge

Single mothers face unique boundary challenges.

Many are in their situation precisely because they haven't been able to protect themselves with healthy boundaries. Now they're consumed with protecting their children and taking on dual parental responsibilities.

They forget to protect themselves. Or they lack the resources and tools to do so.

This makes them even more vulnerable, which ironically undermines their ability to protect their children effectively.

When your protective efforts for your kids consistently backfire despite your best intentions, it's often because you haven't protected yourself first.

The best strategy to protect your kids is to protect yourself first.

This truth contradicts everything fawn-type mothers believe, which is why it's so powerful.

Applying Boundaries Across Life Contexts

The most challenging boundary-setting context for single moms is often with their own children.

Young children genuinely need their mothers for everything. But children need to understand they are just a part of the setting, not THE setting.

Moms have needs too. For mom to be healthy and present, children need to understand her needs and not be overly demanding.

This varies by age and situation. With special needs children like mine, the demands are much greater.

Another complication is that fawns typically refuse to ask for help. We remain silent because we don't want to be a burden.

This makes life unnecessarily difficult.

Finding a safe community where you can receive help and reciprocate is essential. Not just asking anyone for help, which could lead to more exploitation, but building relationships with safe people.

With this support system, you can take care of yourself, your kids, and maybe even have energy left for work and community obligations.

Healthy parental boundaries research shows that children actually feel more secure and loved when parents maintain consistent boundaries, despite their protests.

Journaling Your Way to Awareness

An important step in the boundary-building process is documenting experiences where you've been exploited.

Write down not just what happened but how it made you feel.

Identifying these feelings and understanding how they connect to your fawn response is crucial for developing new responses.

This written record becomes evidence of patterns you might not otherwise notice.

It creates the awareness necessary before you can grow those protective antlers.

From Ballet to Boundaries

My journey from professional ballerina to boundary mentor for single moms might seem unusual.

But the discipline of ballet prepared me to understand the transformation process in a unique way.

Both require stepping into discomfort repeatedly until new patterns emerge.

Both demand daily practice and persistence.

Both result in a kind of strength that appears effortless to observers but represents consistent and intentional work over a period of time.

The grace of a ballerina comes from thousands of hours of practice. The grace of a woman with healthy boundaries comes from consistent, conscious choices to honor her worth.

For single mothers caught in fawning patterns, this journey may be the most important performance of your life.

You are worthy of protection.

You deserve to have needs.

You can grow those antlers to control who has access through your gate.

And when you do, you'll discover you're no longer just surviving. You're directing your own life with the same precision and power as a ballerina commanding the stage.