The Hidden Cost of Always Saying Yes

The Rebel Ballerina - Lisa Loree. (Image:  DenaMeederPortraits.com)

 

Probably the most fierce example of people-pleasing comes when you realize it's costing you your very life. Your soul. And it causes you to want to leave the planet, it certainly did me.

I was so done putting everybody else first and having sold out my soul to do that, to keep everybody else happy, and please all of the different societal expectations. I was just done.

At that point in my life, my ex was approaching retirement. He would frequently talk about what he wanted to do in retirement. And I noticed over the course of months that he only talked about what he wanted. There was never a question of what I would like to do, even though he knew he had taken me from my career. I had unwittingly agreed to this marriage because he deceived me, literally. I thought I was going to be able to continue dancing, but he had other designs on my life.

The realization that even in retirement, it was all about him...that was a pivotal place right there where I was just done.

Your Body Knows Before You Do

When your body tries to tell you something's wrong with your people-pleasing patterns, it speaks loudly if you're willing to listen. I felt physically sick, as in nauseous. I felt sad. I was anxious, depressed, losing sleep. I could not relax. Tightly wound. There was nothing of ease, there was no joy. Only a feeling of despair.

Your body has been screaming at you for years while your mind keeps making excuses for others. That knot in your stomach when someone asks for "just one more thing" isn't random. It's wisdom.

The Fawn Response Isn't Just Being Nice

The Fawn response is beyond being a generous and kind person. It is an actual trauma response pattern. It's really quite brilliant because it teaches you to do whatever it takes to make everyone happy so that you will be safe, so that you will not be rejected, you will not be hurt.

That is very different from being just simply a kind and generous person. When a fawn fawns, there's more likely fear behind it. Whereas just being kind and generous can actually come from love.

And I teach the difference in that, so that we can keep our goodness intact and protect it from the takers, exploiters, and manipulators. Because we like to be kind and generous and giving! But the real question behind it is, is that coming in this moment from a place of fear or is it coming from love?

Many people mistake their fawning for kindness when it's actually self-protection. Real kindness feels expansive and energizing. Fawning feels depleting and small. One comes from abundance, the other from terror. Knowing the difference changes everything.

The Guilt Trap That Keeps You Stuck

When someone stuck in the fawn response tries to stand up for themself or set a boundary, it typically doesn't go very well. To have the necessary change to have success when protecting their new edge (boundary), they first have to do the real work of dismantling the K-L-I-E station's caustic playlist and develope the new K-HOT fun and encouraging playlist.

If they have not done that work, then the guilt is going to come and kick them in the butt. And they're just going to revert back to people-pleasing and feel even more guilty for doing that. And they'll sink further into that whole cycle of people-pleasing and then feeling bad because they're not standing up for themselves or they tried and it didn't work. And so then they feel even more helpless and on and on it goes.

Breaking Free Starts In Your Mind

It is indeed the first step in breaking free from the fawn response, because most of the time, actually 100% of the time, people have no idea why they're even reacting, behaving, and living this way. It's not until you understand where these thoughts come from that are dictating your response.

It is because of the 'caustic playlist' or what I call the K-L-I-E station. Those thoughts that run in the background of our minds that we've been told since childhood, and now we even play them in our own voice in adulthood. Any failure or any feeling of shortcoming or any kind of unhappiness felt from a parent or a teacher, or whatever the expectation, creates that playlist. And we play it over and over in the background of our minds, and that compels us to continue to try to make everybody happy, because we believe it.

So it's not until we dismantle that and create the new playlist, K-HOT, a fun and encouraging playlist, that then we have some power to make a difference in how we react and behave and live.

Most people try to change their behavior without changing their thoughts. That's like trying to drive with your parking brake on. The K-LIE playlist might include tracks like "I'm only valuable when I'm helpful" or "Conflict means I'm bad" or "Their happiness is my responsibility." These thought loops are so familiar you don't even notice them anymore.

Practice Makes Permanent

One technique for quieting guilt when setting or edge or your boundaries is the actual doing of the work of dismantling K-L-I-E and building K-Hot. But another technique is role-playing what it's going to be like when they're face-to-face with the person that normally is going to push back when they're given a boundary.

Role-playing gives the Rebel Fawn opportunity to have someone yelling in their face, playing the part of that person pushing back with mock high intensity, so that they have a chance to learn how to stand against it. Think of it is Rebel Fawn Boot Camp in learning to stay calm in the storm of a manipulater's response. They need to be able to say something that is firm and then not back down. And in the process, they're going to be trembling with anxiety. But by role-playing, we help to practice to help them through that fear and rehearse the interaction as a simulation.  Practice bolsters confidence so they can be successful at handling those uncomfortable moments with ease, calm and from a perspective of power when they happen.  And, they will happen.

Your brain doesn't know the difference between imagined practice and real life. This is why athletes mentally rehearse their performances. The same principle applies to boundary setting. When you've practiced staying calm while someone pushes back against your boundaries in their various ways, your nervous system builds new pathways (neuron brain cell connections). You're training your brain to recognize that you can survive the discomfort.

Your Body Is Your Boundary Compass

We teach that people need to listen to their bodies and how they feel because there's an intuitive feeling of the knot in the pit of the stomach or a feeling of despair or you lose your energy, you're depleted, your arms go limp and heavy. That dread like, "Here we go again. I can't possibly fulfill what you're asking, but I will try because I know that I'm not enough, but I'll just keep trying".

And that stuff shows up in the body as intuition, also known as the internal boundary system. But the caustic playlist, gaslighting, manipulations, and such, blur the boundary lines and turns down the volume on that intuition. But that discernment is screaming out to protect yourself and to say no, this isn't okay.

So, one important solution strategy is turning up the volume on your intuition by listening to your body and how you feel. Also turning down the volume on the emotions of irrational fear and feeling threatened by particular circumstances that are not rationally dangerous.

Your body has been speaking this language all along, you've just been conditioned not to listen to it and ignore it. The heaviness in your limbs when someone asks too much of you. The tightness in your chest when you want to say no but say yes instead. These aren't random sensations. They're your internal and very intelligent boundary system working to protect you. 

You can now say 'thank-you' to this unconscious response for it's diligence over the years, but you no longer require these services at hyper-sensitive levels.  We help fawns to learn toning this trauma response down to a manageable and useful level to help clear the path for them to achieve their life's purpose as a Rebel Fawn!

The Relationship Paradox

The most surprising change in my relationships when I started setting stronger boundaries was that I lost 95% of my "friends". Because I didn't realize that most of my relationships, by far the majority, were also based on this whole fawn and taker relationship set.

Those "friends" were takers. They were exploiters and manipulators and they used me for whatever thing they needed but they weren't around when I needed them. Or they passed quick judgment on me instead of hearing my side. So I lost a whole bunch of relationships.

However, even more surprising, after doing this work, are the people who started showing up. People who are not takers. People who are of high energy, who are actually loving and truly supportive and encouraging and understanding and wanting me to be who I really am. And who I was supposed to be all along. So I would gladly trade in those old supposed friends for the people I have in my life now.

This is the hardest truth for most fawns to accept. Your relationships aren't just imperfect, many are entirely built on an unhealthy dynamic that can't survive your growth. The universe abhors a vacuum though. When you stop accepting crumbs, you make space for a feast.

Growing Antlers Instead of Armor

A rebel fawn is a fawn who has grown some...antlers, and is now willing and able to stand up for themselves and create that edge so that their goodness isn't being offered to the takers, manipulators, and exploiters. 

And it's different from swinging to either closing off altogether or becoming aggressive because we're not saying become aggressive. We're saying just protect your goodness because you ARE good! You can still be giving, empathetic, and all of the things that are of those love-based behaviors. It's just making sure they are coming from love, for one thing.

And also, the edge, and that concept of growing of antlers is protection. It's not aggression. It's protection. And it is to ensure that you can stand up for yourself without looking like the a**hole!  One of those aspects of us fawns is that we don't want to behave like the bully standing in front of us. So we are reluctant to stand for ourselves.

But this course teaches you how to be able to protect your goodness without being a bully and lowering to their world of tactics. It's also about continuing to do what we love to do which is giving our love and energy to our safe people and expanding our realm of these people, not shrinking away.

The metaphor matters here. Armor weighs you down and cuts you off from connection. Antlers are an extension of yourself, growing naturally from within. They don't hide you; they announce your presence and create natural space around you. When you develop your antlers, you remain open and connected while still being protected.

The Counter-Intuitive Truth About Power

The most counter-intuitive truth I've discovered about setting boundaries is that the power that you're afraid of is the exact power that will set you free. In other words, as a fawn, we don't want to look like the a**hole that we're standing in front of and who is belittling and bulldozing over us. And so we assume it's that kind of power that we're going to have to have in order to stand against that person.

But it's not. The power that I'm talking about is the calm, steadfast self-protection where your demeanor is just very straightforward. It's not emotional. It is steadfast, and it is simply not giving in to whatever tantrum or thing that they're throwing at you at the moment.

So the assumption that I have to become an a**hole in order to deal with an a**hole is not true. Just standing tall and not saying anything and being calm while someone's having a fit and making themselves look like an idiot, does not make you an a**hole. You're just protecting yourself. That's all it is. 

There is immense power in stillness. In not over reacting. In allowing someone else's poor behavior to simply exist without you taking responsibility for it. This is the hardest skill for a fawn to learn but the most transformative. This is why we rehearse confrontations in fun and energetic ways.  The strength you need isn't loud or aggressive; it's centered, grounded, and unshakeable.  And it's supported by your K-HOT playlist, your new knowledge of human behavior, a supportive community and your desire to reconnect with YOUR dreams.

The Rewiring Dance

This journey of recovery from fawning is neither linear nor cyclical. This journey is very much a dance. You're moving, but not in a straight line and not just in a circle. There are turns, but there are twists. There is moving forward and then there's moving back, sometimes pausing in a pose, and there's moving to this side and then to that side and diagonally and all over the stage, because that's what dancing is, especially ballet!

So this is quite a journey and it will have all kinds of different texture and depth to it. But it is a dance.

As a former professional ballerina, I see the parallels clearly. A dancer doesn't become proficient by moving in straight lines or perfect circles. There's awkwardness, there's wobbling, there's falling. But there are also moments of perfect balance, of soaring leaps, of exquisite control. Your recovery from people-pleasing will be the same. Some days you'll feel like you're spinning in perfect fouettés, other days you'll feel like you've forgotten first position. It's all part of the choreography of change.

Putting Yourself First Isn't Selfish, It's Necessary

If you're reading this and recognizing yourself in these words, know that your tendency to people-please isn't a character flaw and it isn't weakness. It's a survival mechanism that once protected you but now limits you. Your goodness, your kindness, your empathy are beautiful qualities worth preserving. They don't need to be eliminated; they need to be protected.

Imagine a world where you could give freely from a place of genuine love rather than fear. Where you could say yes because you want to, not because you're afraid to say no. Where your relationships were built on mutual respect rather than unconscious exploitation.

That world is possible. It begins with recognizing the caustic playlist running in the background of your mind and replacing it with your fun and encouraging playlist. It continues with practicing new responses in safe environments. It grows as you learn to trust your body's wisdom about where your boundaries should be. And it flourishes as you surround yourself with people who respect your newly grown antlers and appreciate the real you.

The journey isn't easy, but it's worth it. You are worth it. And your life, lived on your terms, will be so much richer than one spent in the exhausting pursuit of everyone else's approval.

Ready to start growing your antlers? At Rebel Fawn Mentoring, we understand exactly where you are because we've been there too. We don't just teach theory; we share what actually works in the real world of complex relationships and deeply ingrained patterns. Your journey to becoming a Rebel Fawn who protects their goodness while living as intended all along, begins with a single, powerful step. Take it today.