From Silent Shadows to Center Stage: The Rebel Ballerina's Journey

Image:  DenaMeederPortraits.com

 

Hi, it's me, Lisa Loree.

Beneath the glittering surface of my professional ballet career was a woman drowning in silence. Most people saw the perfect arabesques, the flawless pirouettes, the beautiful costumes. What they couldn't see was the grief eating me alive, the heartache behind each graceful movement, and a soul completely lost in the shadows.

Are you someone who smiles and nods while screaming inside? Do you find yourself constantly putting others' needs before your own until there's nothing left of you? You might be a fawn, just like I was.

I don't mean a baby deer. Those are cute though.

"Fawn" is a survival response that many of us develop in childhood. While others might respond to trauma with fight, flight, or freeze, fawn types respond by people-pleasing ourselves into oblivion. We abandon our own needs, wishes, and even our identity to keep others happy. Sound familiar?

The Ballet and The Mask

Very shortly after signing my first professional ballet contract at 18 years old, I lost my mom to cancer. The grief threw me into a tailspin of loneliness and confusion. While my technique improved and I landed better roles, beneath that polished exterior I was falling apart, piece by painful piece.

My fawn response didn't affect my dancing. That was always an area where I remained steadfast and determined. I knew what I wanted to accomplish there and my skills increased steadily. But in relationships? That's where my fawning came through big time.

I remember one particular situation when I was gaining success in the company. I achieved principal roles while still officially part of the corps. Instead of celebration, I faced bullying and backstabbing from other dancers. And what did I do? I smiled through it. I tried harder to be liked. I acquiesced. I dimmed my light to make others comfortable with my success.

That's what fawns do. We feed the takers, manipulators, and exploiters while trying desperately just to do our jobs and survive. We can't understand why these painful situations keep happening to us because we don't yet recognize the pattern we're trapped in.

Marine Crawling Away

The breaking point didn't come until many years later, when I literally Marine-crawled away from my marriage.

I had reached such a dark place that I finally said, "I have nothing else to lose. I'm getting out because this is literally killing me." That decision to leave was the stake in the ground that unknowingly started my transformation. It was the first time I chose myself – messy, terrifying, and absolutely necessary.

When you're at rock bottom, when breathing feels like an act of rebellion, sometimes that's exactly where your real life begins.

You Create Your Life

The first step I took after leaving my marriage wasn't actually a confident stride forward – it was learning how to think differently.

At a conference, I heard someone say, "You create your life. If you love your life, you created it. If you're in turmoil, you created it."

I was absolutely incensed! There was no way I would have intentionally created the shit heap my life had become. No way.

But the concept nagged at me. I followed that speaker's program and eventually committed to a year-long mentorship with him because I couldn't shake the idea that maybe – just maybe – I had more control than I thought.

During that year, I discovered that we do indeed create our lives. This was revolutionary for me. As children developing survival mechanisms, we have no power. But as adults? We have the power to purposefully create lives we actually want to live and love and enjoy. I had just never known that before.

Finding the Name for My Pain

Learning to think differently opened me to new understandings and concepts. But the true game-changer came when I discovered Pete Walker's book, "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving."

I found it while watching YouTube videos about narcissism. When the book was mentioned, something compelled me to buy it. I read it cover to cover, highlighting passages, making notes in the margins, having lightbulb moment after lightbulb moment.

That's when I first encountered the term "fawn" as a trauma response.

My thinking had been locked in old patterns, just rehashing the same painful cycles because of those entrenched thoughts. Once I started thinking differently, a whole new world opened up. Understanding the fawn concept was like finding the missing piece to a puzzle I'd been trying to solve my entire life.

When you can see something that needs correction, you can actually correct it. But when you don't know what's wrong? You're stuck in an endless loop of confusion and pain.

Facing the Consequences

The most terrifying aspect of breaking free wasn't even the act of leaving – it was facing the fury that followed.

My ex unleashed substantial retribution that included punishing my children because I left. Navigating the court system was overwhelming for a fawn like me. Courts typically favor fighters and narcissists over people-pleasers who struggle to stand up for themselves.

I lost my parental rights based on lies that had no evidence to support them. But even through that heart-shattering pain, I had to stand my ground and say, "No, you don't own me anymore."

The cost was beyond what anyone should have to pay for freedom. But staying would have cost me my soul – and eventually my life.

Finding My Tribe

One of my unexpected allies through this journey was ballet itself. I immersed myself back into teaching at a friend's new studio, reconnecting with the discipline and artistry that had always been my strength.

I was shocked to discover that about 95% of the people who claimed to be my friends simply weren't. They disappeared when I needed support most. But I gained so many more real friends – true friends who showed up because of my changed thinking and energy.

One particularly important person is my boyfriend, who has supported me throughout this entire journey. He's also a fawn, which makes us great together. We can be our natural selves without fear of exploitation. We understand each other's patterns and help each other grow.

The people in my life now are high-energy, loving, giving, extraordinary humans. That's who supports me now. The contrast between my past and present relationships is truly remarkable.

The Gradual Rebirth

There wasn't a single transformative moment that birthed "The Rebel Ballerina." It was a process – a gradual rethinking and repositioning of myself in the world.

The fawn response keeps us trapped in a cycle with the wrong people because it's deeply ingrained in us to do what we're told, to not create waves, to accept that our discomfort doesn't matter. Breaking free requires rebellion.

I didn't consciously think, "I'm going to rebel" – I just knew there was no other way to reclaim my life. It was extraordinarily terrifying and uncomfortable to say "no" after a lifetime of people-pleasing and acquiescing to others' opinions. I had set myself aside so completely that I had practically evaporated.

Only by looking back could I see the contrast between where I was and where I am. That perspective helped me understand that rebelling was the only way out. And here's the important part: this rebellion isn't violent. It's simply learning to protect yourself and stand up for yourself.

For a fawn, saying "no" is the ultimate act of rebellion. And it's the only path to freedom.

Becoming Who I Was Always Meant to Be

Deep down, I've always known I am a ballerina. That's exactly what I'm here to do.

Spending years in a marriage with someone telling me "no, you don't get to do that" was crushing. By staying, I sold my own soul. That was the hardest part of it all.

Through rebellion, I said, "No, I won't tolerate this anymore because I am me. I have this very important purpose, and I need to fulfill what I was created to do."

Getting back into ballet and teaching was essential to my healing. Day after day, I found myself rediscovering life lessons in ballet as I taught my students – lessons I had forgotten or that hadn't sunk into my soul because of my fawn response.

This journey of becoming myself again, becoming the ballerina I was always supposed to be, became the foundation of Rebel Fawn Mentoring.

Ballet as Teacher

Ballet has been a superior teacher of life lessons that apply perfectly to healing from fawn patterns.

In ballet, you never expect perfection because there's always more. You might execute a movement correctly, but there's always another nuance to add, another layer of artistry to explore. The same holds true in healing.

You're always in the process of becoming, and until you're dead, there's always more growth ahead. You do the best you can each day – emphasis on the best you can. It won't be perfect. Some days will be closer to your ideal and more fun than others. But you're doing your best each day, and that's how genuine transformation happens.

Another crucial ballet lesson is understanding what needs correction. How can you fix something if you don't know what's going wrong? This is exactly what I help my clients with – identifying the patterns that keep them stuck, just as I help my dance students make corrections to become better dancers.

We also use role-playing, similar to rehearsing in ballet. This gives clients a chance to practice handling confrontations before they happen in real life. When fawns start saying "no" to people who are used to them acquiescing, those people often become upset or angry. Our newly rebellious fawns need to know how to stand their ground without being overwhelmed and backing down.

Rebel Fawn Mentoring Is Born

I realized that everything I experienced and the understanding I gained could help others struggling with their own fawn response – people who might not even know that's a thing. I didn't know for over 50 years!

I thought I could combine my journey with my ballet background to help others regain themselves, reclaim their dreams, and start living in joy instead of fear. That's what Rebel Fawn Mentoring is all about.

The most rewarding aspect of witnessing other fawns reclaim their power is watching them literally come back to life – regaining joy, hope, power, their voice, and control over their own decisions.

It absolutely thrills my heart to see that transformation. Many people don't even know how amazing life can be until they experience the contrast between their fawn-dominated existence and true freedom.

When you're trapped in fawn patterns from childhood, you have no idea what's possible. That's what I bring to fellow fawns – a program that helps them piece it all together much faster than I had to figure it out on my own.

Seeing joy and inspiration return to people's lives, watching them start new ventures, regain hope and confidence, stop caring about others' approval, and just have fun for the sake of having fun without constantly looking over their shoulder – that's the magic of becoming a rebel fawn.

A Message for Fellow Fawns

To anyone just beginning to recognize their fawn patterns who might be terrified to take that first step toward change, here's what I want you to know:

You create your life. Right now, you're creating a big fat mess that's causing tremendous grief and heartache. Is that what you want to keep creating?

There's a pattern here, and you'll keep creating that exact same pattern if you don't make a change. Or would you rather create the life you were always intended to have? Would you rather actually be yourself and experience joy, happiness, and fulfillment?

Those things are absolutely possible. I'm living that reality now, and so are my clients.

Yes, it's terrifying at the beginning. Change is scary because we don't know anything other than what we've got. But the contrast between being stuck in that pattern and actually living the life you want is so extreme that once you're on the other side, you'll never want to go back.

So here's the question: Are you really willing and ready to step away from that pattern and be who you were supposed to be all along?

Being a rebel isn't about causing chaos. It's about reclaiming your right to exist on your own terms. It's about recognizing that you matter too. That your voice deserves to be heard. That your dreams are worth fighting for.

Sometimes the most rebellious thing you can do is simply stand in your truth and say, "This is who I am."

From one recovering fawn to another – you're stronger than you know. The world needs your voice, not just your smile. And that beautiful life you've always dreamed of? It's waiting for you on the other side of "no."